Here are the most frequently asked questions regarding a Ménage a Trois
When entering into a Ménage relationship what are your pet peeves for making it work and making it last?
Me: It’s just like any relationship. You’re dealing with different personalities and backgrounds; especially in my case. I’m African-American, from a middle class family. My husband is Sicilian from a working class family in Sicily, and my lover (Mutual Friend) is from Southern Italy, a farming family. So we all have to respect each other’s views and opinions.
Making it last, we agree to disagree, we sometimes act like kids ourselves, since we don’t have any. And we give each other space when need be.
The Hubster: I totally agree. Marriage in itself is work. Now you have an extra person. For our situation, I’ve known my wife for over 27 years and mutual friend for over 38. I think we have an advantage for knowing each other and getting along. We know each other’s likes and dislikes, we know what buttons to push and which ones to leave alone. Making it last is finding new things that make us all happy to share
Mutual Friend: Ditto, as you say. LOL. Three personalities living under the same roof. It’s almost like roommates; but isn’t traditional marriage the same way? So we learn the art of compromise, giving in when the time is right, and knowing in the end we have each other.
For most women handling one man is a full time job plus over time, So why should a woman want to take on 2 men?
Me: Hmmm. Why would anyone want to take on another mate period? In my case, I had no choice. Not that I was forces, the thing is I couldn’t stop loving Mutual Friend. He was always in our life, always there for me. It was just a natural progression.
Now for another woman, the situation maybe different. You know your comfort zone; what you can and cannot handle. It’s does take a strong woman to have two men intimately in her life. And we as women are use to juggling things anyway. LOL
The Hubster: I cannot speak for other women. But my wife is very Alpha as you say. She can handle me and Mutual Friend with no problem. And if she gets really upset with us, she locks us out of the room. LOL
Mutual Friend: Yes, my lover has no problem with us. It’s natural. I think since she’s known us for so long, she knows just the right thing to do or say, to keep us out of her hair and herself stress free.
Do you think these type of relationships tend to me more f/m/f or m/f/m? And is society more tolerant of one over the other?
Me: From the research I’ve done in the past, it’s been more f/m/f. HOWEVER , lately I’ve been seeing more m/f/m. YAAAY.
Oddly enough, as non-traditional as these relationships are, it’s still more acceptable for the f/m/f dynamic. It still ruffles the feathers of “conventional” thinking to see a woman enjoy the intimate advances of two men. OMG! Clutch the pearls!
The Hubster: The wife is right. Even I, being brought up in a traditional Sicilian home would have frowned on this. Not so much f/m/f. But that’s a typical man, no? LOL. But being in this country for decades and being with my wife, I’ve expanded my thinking. But still, the m/f/m Is not as popular, but it’s gaining.
Mutual Friend: Same here with the thinking. A woman with two men is seen as…I will not say here. But it’s an unfair label. You don’t know what is going on in that relationship. I think we need to have more open minds. If a man can have two women, then a woman can have two men, and not be stigmatized.
Is it Manage a trois or trios? What's the difference? menage a trois is an American French slag for a arrangement of three people in a consenting sexual domestic relationship
Is it more harder or about the same as a two person relationship?
Me: Harder. Again, you are dealing with an added person in the relationship. That means, different likes, dislikes, emotions, personalities, views, etc. So for me, I have to work a bit harder to keep unity under one roof.
The Hubster: What wifey said. LOL it’s a balancing act. But you learn, and it becomes second nature
Mutual Friend: I think, you treat it no differently than a traditional marriage. Respect each other, and you will be fine.
And for hubby and mutual friend. How did you all decide that this is the type of relationship that you wanted? Me: I didn’t decide really. I was blindsided by the Hubster and Mutual Friend. I don’t mean to make it sound bad, but they approached me, because they saw something in me that I was feeling for the both of them. It’s hard to explain, but in simplest terms, the Hubster knew I could not let Mutual Friend go and just be a sideline friend.
Hubster and Mutual Friend came to me and asked pointblank. I was taken back. To be perfectly honest, I had doubts about the marriage. It was a tough time. The more I though about it, the more I thought about my love for The Hubster and for Mutual Friend, there was really no where else to go. It made sense.
The Hubster: Mutual Friend and I had a talk. To us it was easier I think. The wife, had conventional thinking, well we all did. But for the two of us, it seemed easier to have this arrangement.
Mutual Friend: I had no problem with it. I’ve loved her since the first day my friend introduced me to her. So when we discussed this, I was a 100% with it. Not because of the sex. That’s a misconception as you say. It’s sharing my life with her.
And has your friendship grown stronger or stayed the same?
Me: Much stronger
The Hubster: Much Stronger. We ride or die for each other
Mutual Friend: Stronger. There’s no other way for it to go.
Is there jealousy? Me: No. But that’s not to say in other Ménage relationships that it can’t happen. There has to be a high level of trust in this sort of relationship. And if you agree to this arrangement, you have to know the dynamics that go in it.
Jealousy can rear its ugly head if you are not really close; if you jumped into this arrangement too fast; if you’re an insecure person to begin with. Or if your motive for having a ménage arrangement was something else, like trying to get to a partner behind the back of the other. Yes, I’ve heard it happen.
The Hubster: I am sure that questions is for me. No, I do not get jealousy. I’m sure no one understands or believes that. But the relationship I have with my friend is deeper than most I think. I’m happy when Mutual Friend shows my wife the same kind of love I show her. If they argue and she’s mad at him, I hurt too and try to fix things if I can.
Mutual Friend: No. The only thing I was jealous of was the relationship that my friend had with the wife before I was invited in the relationship. Do I think her love for me is lesser than for her husband? No, I feel that she loves both of us the same.
How do you divide your time so it's equal or do you?
Me: There is no dividing time. It’s just a natural flow. We eat breakfast together, sometimes we don’t. Same with other things. We hang out together, sometimes I’m with my cousin or by myself. I don’t set aside time. We go about our lives like a married couple. Since we don’t have kids, we spend more time together more than other married people. But no one feels that the other doesn’t have time for them.
And yes, I do mange to sneak some time away just for myself, and the guys respect that. I think with any relationship, you have to have “me” time.
The Hubster: Things just happen naturally in our house. There is no chart saying how much time each person gets. We do have “date” night where we do set aside a time to go out to a movie, dinner and shopping, but that’s it. Otherwise no one feels short changed
Mutual Friend: I never feel that I don’t have enough time with her. I think sometimes, she sneaks away because she has too mush time with us! LOL
How do you keep it fresh?
Me: Hmmm. Just like with a traditional marriage, you find different adventures, whether in or out of the bedroom. Now us, we travel. You see my blog posts when we’re off to Sicily or the villa. Then there’s the Olympics that we go to. But even when we’re home, we go to different restaurants to try different foods. Different events they have here in Toronto, etc.
And of course there’s the bedroom. LOL. We try to switch things up there too.
The Hubster: With us, there is something new and exciting. A lot of time funny stuff. We’re like big kids, I think that’s what keeps it fresh.
Mutual Friend: And me being their travel agent, there is always something new. LOL. But seriously, like she said, in any relationship, you have to find different things to do and get involved with. Find new adventures inside and outside the bedroom.
What if you just want a day to yourself?
Me: No problem. I just tell them.
The Hubster: Same here, I tell them I’m going out. Or if the wife wants time alone to herself, we leave and do our own thing.
Mutual Fiend: Exactly. No different than any other relationship. Make the time and respect the other person’s time.
How do you handle any questions from your families? Do they or are they aware of the lifestyle?
Me: Family has no clue. Certain friends know and they respect our privacy when we ask. They were curious at the beginning, but when they see we’re really no different than any other relationship, there’s nothing really to ask.
The Hubster: Family has no clue. But certain friends, and they treat us normally
Mutual Friend: Ditto
Are there any sort of control and or competitions from either of the partners and how is that handled?
Me: No. And it think it’s because we’ve known each other for so long. Our situation is different from say a new Ménage relationship. The guys have known each other since teenagers. I’ve known both of then for over 25-27 years. So each one knows their place in the relationship.
And it’s equal
The Hubster: No competition between myself and Mutual Friend. The reason I believe is because our goals are the same for the relationship. Making sure the wife is happy, safe and secure. If she’s happy we’re happy and if Mutual Friends has an idea or wants to get away with her and she’s fine with it, then I’m fine with it and vice versa. You have a saying here, Happy Wife, happy Life. LOL
Mutual Friend: No competition. She already told us from the beginning that she loves both of us equally; she plays no favorites. And even though she is legally married to The Hubster, she still sees me as an equal in the relationship
At anytime, do you feel or any of the partners feel overwhelmed by the lifestyle?
Me: As with any relationship when you are up under each other, you need some space. So I get away with friends, family or by myself. Do I feel stressed by keeping it a secret to family and friends. I use to, but know it’s second nature. Having two men under one roof? Not really, since we always hung out together anyway, we’re use to each other. LOL The Hubster: Never felt overwhelmed by the lifestyle itself. But marriage is work—period. You learn to adapt. You grown through the years and you adapt and make changes to make sure you do not burn out.
Mutual Friend: No, the lifestyle seems natural to me. Since we’ve always hung out together and did things together, a ménage is just a natural thing that happened with us.
Any comparing the partners? Me: I don’t compare in the sense that you might be asking. I don’t compare one as being better than the other. I have two very different personalities and I deal with them that way. The Hubster is Uber Alpha, and Mutual Friend is Beta with leanings towards Alpha. And it works. I like that, it’s a balance.
The Hubster: The wife has never compared me to Mutual Friend, or vise versa. There is no need. She knows that we are both different, have different likes and dislikes and views. That’s what makes the relationship nto go stale. LOL
Mutual Friend: She never compares me to The Hubster. Besides he’s my best friend and our differences is what keeps us tight.
Are there times when one may not want to participate, not even to watch?
Me: Wow. This is an interesting topic in itself. LOL. First, let me say right off the bat, this is OUR relationship, this may not be like the others you’ll see on this site. The Hubster and Mutual Friend LOVE to watch—period! Now that’s if I want both in the room.
Sometimes I just want one. Very seldom do I have both at the same time. I know, you just thought I had them at the same time every night. NO. A girl gets tired and that’s only in books *WINK WINK* .
The Hubster: I love to watch my friend please my wife. I have no problem. Then there are times I’m busy doing other things, and they want a night to themselves. No problem.
Mutual friend. Love watching. There is never a time I do not want to participate, But it’s up to her. She calls the shots in the bedroom when it comes to who she wants that night. And we respect her wishes.
Quickies...how does that work? Do you choose a partner or is it with both?
Me: Depending on my mood, a quickie is nice, and sometimes, it’s just who’s available at the moment. LOL. Both? Sometimes. Let me put it this way, 2 times out off 10 I’ll have both at the same time.
The Hubster: Quickies are great! And yes they can work. Depending on our moods
Mutual Friend: Those are the best sometimes. Again she decides who with and how long.
What is it like to have two men worship your body at the same time? Me: Wow. I don’t know about them worshiping me like that. But I do know they have my best interests at heart. Whether it be my happiness, my health and emotional well-being. Now sexually speaking it’s nice having two men find me attractive and want me. But that’s with any relationship.
The Hubster: I will say this, the times that the wife wants both of us at the same time, it does feel like we are both worshiping her. It’s very, how you say emotional, I think is the word I’m looking for. I know it’s more special to me.
Mutual Friend: My main goal is to love her. Whether that is worshiping her, then okay. I think people have a romantized notion of a ménage relationship. Just think of it as marriage with an extra person and all the things that go with it. Including making you partner feel good by herself/himself.
For the men what satisfaction do you receive from sharing a woman?
The Hubster: I get pure enjoyment from sharing someone I love so deeply with my best friend. Mutual Friend has always been in love with her. I’ve had no problem with that. The best and only solution was a ménage relationship, and it’s very fulfilling
Mutual Friend: I am humbled that my best friend wants me to share someone so precious with him. And knowing that she is pleased with us, is pleasure enough.
I wanted to know how long have you been in a menage relationship?
Us: Five years.
Did you and mutual friend make a special commitment to each other since you couldn't lawfully wed? Me: Yes. I have two wedding rings. The first one from the Hubster, the day we were married, and the second one on my right hand from Mutual Friend the day I accepted him into the relationship.
The Hubster: I have a second ring too, just reinforcing my commitment to the relationship.
Mutual Friend: I have two rings also, showing my commitment to both of them.
And for you what are the up's and downs to being in a three way relationship? Me: If you’ve gotten this far in the questioning, then you will noticed that this relationship is really no different from your traditional relationship.
I have my ups and downs as with any marriage. We have arguments. I have left the house for days at a time. I have kicked them out of the bedroom. We have shouting matches. But like any GOOD marriage, we work it out. It’s at the point now that we don’t worry or harp on the small insignificant stuff. We can push each others buttons, but we don’t go there, and if one of us does, we ignore it.
This is just a relationship that may need a little more working at, but not that much. I think of it as a marriage which it is, and go from there.
NEW QUESTIONS!
Has anyone ever inquired or asked one of you or all three of you why you are in this type of relationship?
Me: Yes. My closest cousin, who is like my sister. I told her how I felt about Mutual Friend too. I told her this was the only logical and right way to go.
The Hubster: Yes, several of my employees. I told them that Mutual Friend was like a blood brother, and I know how he feels about the wifey and vise versa. I told them I have no problem with it and neither should they…not that it’s any of their damn business. LOL
Mutual Friend: Same here, asked by the employees of the Hubster’s business, and gave them the same answer. We’re just glad that they’re not blabbermouths as you say. LOL
This one is for the mutual friend...At anytime when you are around your family, you would like to tell them that you are in a serious committed relationship with Stephanie? Also, when you are around the husband's family and Stephanie, are you the least bit envious that you cannot show your love and affection towards her in the open like the husband can?
Mutual Friend: YES! YES! YES! I’m in pain sometimes, and the Hubster and Stephanie can see it. They too wish I could yell it from the mountains. The best I can do is show brotherly love affection. I feel like I’m lying about my feelings, but the families would not understand.
Mutual friend, when someone asked about your relationship status what is your answer? Is it I'm married or in a serious committed relationship?
Mutual Friend: I tell them that I’m married…and I have my wedding band on to prove it
Has anyone ever tried to come in between the relationship because they might not be in agreement with it or they may have wanted to try and lure mutual friend away.
Us: Nah. They know our personalities and know we wouldn’t put up with it, have it, or entertain it. No one messes with this trio. LOL
What is the one thing if any, that each of you in your opinion do not like about being in this type of relationship?
Me: The only thing I don’t like is that I love them both so much, that if something were to happen to one of them, I would probably be an emotional wreck The Hubster: Same here. I love too hard. I have no regrets about the relationship, but now I’m loving two people, not just one.
Mutual Friend: Ditto. The emotions are complicated and scary. But I guess that can happen with any true loving relationship.